a few jokes i know.

[missamy1605]

A blonde was driving down the interstate when she was stopped by the police. The officer casually walked up to her window and asked the blonde for her drivers license.

With a confused look on her face she asked "What's that"?

The officer explained to her that it was the little plastic card with her picture on it.

The blonde said "Oh yeah, I have one of those".

As she handed the officer her drivers license he asked her for her insurance card.

Again, she looked confused and asked "What is that"?

The officer replied " It's the card that has all of your vehicle information on it".

The blonde responded "Oh yeah, Duh"!

The blonde proceeded to get her insurance card and as she was reaching in her purse for the insurance card, the officer yanked out his dick.

The blonde turned around to give him the card and said " Oh shit, not another breathalizer"!

----------------------------------------------------------------

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

that all i can think of now, but i'll add more later on.

[missamy1605]

one more i thought of, a tattoo joke, might like it.

a woman goes into a tattoo paprler and asked for a tattoo of a turkey on her inner leg. well, the artest thinks it's a lil crazy, but he gives her the tattoo.

a few weeks later she comes in again, this time she asks for a tattoo of an x-mas tree on her other inner leg. well the artest is really thinking this is crazy now. so he asked "ok, why are you wanting such crazy tattoos?"

the woman looks at him and says, i'm sick of my husband saying there's nothing to eat between thanks giving and christmas.

[missamy1605]

A Realtor in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....."

[TonyTouchTat2]

^^^^^ LOL! Funny Shit, my wife loved it.

[amoroque]

one more i thought of, a tattoo joke, might like it.

a woman goes into a tattoo paprler and asked for a tattoo of a turkey on her inner leg. well, the artest thinks it's a lil crazy, but he gives her the tattoo.

a few weeks later she comes in again, this time she asks for a tattoo of an x-mas tree on her other inner leg. well the artest is really thinking this is crazy now. so he asked "ok, why are you wanting such crazy tattoos?"

the woman looks at him and says, i'm sick of my husband saying there's nothing to eat between thanks giving and christmas.

Never heard that one before, thats funny!

[tofu chica]

Never heard that one before, thats funny!

that was so funny.

[missamy1605]

here's another one.

A Doctor was doing memory loss checks on 3 guys.

he walked up to the 1st guys and asked him "What's 3 times 3?"

1st guy said "156"

The doctor asked the 2nd guy "What's 3 times 3?"

2nd guy said "Tuesday"

He walked up to the 3rd guy and asked "What's 3 times 3?"

3rd guy said "9"

Doctor said "Good, how did you figure it out?"

3rd guy said "I subtracted Tuesday from 156"

[undercover art]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor...
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.
"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking at my pussy."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"


I didn't write this one, just found it, so don't blame me!

[undercover art]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters
sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

I guess they are supposed to have an Irish accent or something....